BOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Hey, dont you owe me one for babysitting last Onesday? And even if she did pay money (not rentbut to share in the household expense, which is different from rent, even if it is the same amount of money), I would still consider her to be part of my family and as such why WOULDNT she pitch in when I needed her to? My own mother STILL phrases things the way she did when I was a teen like, How would you like to take out the garbage? well, I wouldnt LIKE to take out the garbage at all! I have a group of friends now whom I trust not to give me a hard time about the explicit choice to paint my toenails in front of Netflix instead of going out. To put it another way, I guess: this is such a normal way to open a conversation that being annoyed by it means that you will be annoyed by a wide variety of people, forever. Im lucky because any plans for the weekend? questions are just small talk (i.e. I'm going to say this to my parents. And Im feeling like, right, not only do I not know how to negotiate this myself, I also dont know what to tell my kid to say in this situation. Good enough. IMO the correct answer to we should get lunch some time or lets hang out is actually sure, Saturdays are generally good for me or Ive been meaning to see Black Panther. Published April 10, 2020 "How are you doing right now?" That's the question I've been defaulting to on the phone, over text, and over Zoom chats during this time of ballooning,. At least Im bright enough to stay out of the control panel and remember my passwords. Nobody ever catches the other out (you said you were fine!) because the dance must be done. I have a friend that would ask me what Im doing and when I say, Nothing the next thing is, Well, lets meet for lunch and then irritation and shock when I say Id rather not. I dont find it weird, I think its just whiteness and the safest thing to do is presume white people are going to be like this to some extent, until they prove otherwise. Its just in the past year or so that its cropped up repeatedly, with different people at different establishments. I have other plans. But if you just asked me if I have plans and I just admitted that I dont, then yeah, it can look pretty rude or hurtful if you invite me to something and I have to decline. Next week, tell me how it went? And then make myself a note to specifically ask about it. Luckily my husband is a Mega Introvert as well (sometimes more than me) and understands my feelings. The Captains advice is great. !" I mean, what else are you supposed to do with life? 2. It feels like they expect me to put in the majority of the effort, and it would be nice if once in a while instead of saying I dont see you enough they would say Would you be up for meeting up at the coffee shop on my town on Saturday if [their issues] allow? But its not something thats going to change, so I smile and nod at their noises and continue to plan things with them at exactly the rate I feel like doing so (including making extra effort if theyre going through a really tough thing). But for the LW when its potential datepeople, I do find that, Not sure yet why, do you have something fun in mind? has a pretty decent response rate. Itd be a big help, but if not I could find someone else. Which is a lot of caveats! If its as specific as Thursday, thats true, but I find when its a larger stretch like the weekend or the holidays its just as likely to be an attempt to get to know you and learn about your hobbies, interests, routine, etc, and find out if you have anything in common/have a life they find interesting/etc. Also, again in the UK, if the person is literally asking, the emphasis will be strongly on are. It took a long time to figure out that I could just cheerfully respond, Why do you ask? In a friendly middle-class-lady voice, (almost as if I hope they are going to tell me something wonderful!). Thats just the question it looks like. But then theres her Im going to need you to be my helper for Christmas Day because Im getting older, and that doesnt seem so presumptuousits MY Christmas Day and MY extended family too. What did _you_ have in mind?. Do I think X is a fair thing to insist upon? Which is odd, because if anyone has an aura of genius around them, she does. I just wanted to add that in my experience as a POC in a white majority country its mostly been well-meaning people who have made me feel discriminated against. [I often go in around lunch time.] Canned responses are pre-written messages that allow customer support agents to respond to customer issues at the drop of a hat. They were being blunt and probably didnt realize the pressure I felt to say yes to direct requests, and didnt understand why I felt hurt when, upon working up the courage to ask for something directly, it was turned down. (Like the How are you? inquiries) / Is it OK for so-and-so to tag along? In the UK, most encounters respond with fine/good/grand, how are you?, In formal encounters, respond with how are you?. Most people would rather talk about themselves than anyone else, so turning the question back to them will almost always divert them from further questions about what Im doing. You can help!'. I ticked the following boxes: 1) had conversation, 2) got her to talk about herself, 3) gave her questions so she could talk about herself some more to make her feel good, 4) she was talking to me, AND I saw her smile! And I agree that literally saying No, I dont want to get to know you better is a bit off. Its essentially part of, or an alternative to, hello. Ex.1. Catching up on sleep, doing chores, spending time with my partner. Youre right, adult people who feel safe and are treated well like adult people probably dont react like that. That's why you should remember these funny responses to "what are you going to do with your life" for the next time the question pops up: If you have no idea what degree you're going to get or where you want to live in the future, pretend that you have something big planned, but don't want to ruin the surprise. It almost feels like if they just sneak up on me with some super fun plans I might say yes more often. And maybe just dont think of the flip side where the question could potentially add more pressure. FRIEND: I am available [date]! after reading a ton of CAs archives I feel comfortable telling people, Im up to nothing both Saturday and Sunday, and I CANNOT WAIT. You know, I just had a *very* amusing misunderstanding with a facebook friend who was ranting about MLM (which I thought was the wlw type of MLM). Its not lazy that I did X this week which meant I was in pain by Friday night. Always always have a plan I forgot about until next day. The professor went to the restroom. But yeah. If the asker tends to demand stuff from me, Im likely to claim Ill be busy. But I have made a major effort to train myself to STATE WHAT I WANT first. This is a very funny response to give to "whats up." Sometimes its totally innocuous, as LW said. I actually have an answer for this one. - Casey Stengel This way Im letting them know why in the same breath, and giving them a potential out. You can begin with, "I hope this email finds you well," which has the same meaning as "Hope you are doing well". It shows that you're a calm and cool person who is easy to talk to and has no problem whether someone says hey or hello. If those people have sufficient ability to cause difficulty or danger if they are displeased, it may not be advisable to say to them but not because it it rude; because those people cause problems when things dont go their way. And if someone is trying to open a debate about the validity of your plans vs. what they want you to be doing, it is a refusal to take the podium. HUGE, HUGE, HUGE numbers of parents of adult children pull this exact same rude little stunt, and its designed to make the adult child respond to powerful guilt buttons installed by the parent and capitulate to what the parent wants, because the adult child is programmed to believe if they dont have a good enough excuse, they have to go attend on the parent at the time in question. It can mean I want to make plans if youre freewhich, for me at least, isnt so much plan it for me as planning is hard, lets establish if theres even an open time slot before we nail down the details. (And if you are Susie, forget about it!). I dont spend a lot of time imagining what youre doing over the weekend. In fact, you probably have all of these thoughts when a guy asks, "What are you doing this weekend?". At the very least, it makes you feel like the place you live isnt really your homethat youll never belong or be from there, that you have no claim to it. (A couple of these people suuuucked like, I thought I was safe with studying until a couple of people started telling me that that was interesting because we were in the same classes and they just ~got the material better~ and didnt need to study at all this week. Me: Nope. Ive got[an alligator to befriend, etc]. [Note to my friend who also reads CA, this is not you ], I tend to do direct invites, sometimes with a range of possible dates, but I have occasionally done the We should do [X] sometime! and had months go by without getting around to organizing [X], even if Ive extended other invitations to the person also interested in [X]. I mean, they might not vote for an actual white supremist, but that belief is definitely lurking there (like, even if they dont vote for an out-and-out white supremist, they still have the belief that white people are leadership material than poc); and they might not say these things to your face, but they will do/say things that prop up model minority nonsense (eg, anti-Blackness in the presence of other racial minorities) and are nice only as long as you stay in your place and dont challenge them as long as you dont call them out or challenge their perception of what poc can do, as in your example. It was glorious. I do have friends who have trouble planning things for various reasons and often say things like I miss you or We should hang out more without doing anything to make it happen. Like now? I like these types are answers because they have the benefits of: 1. always being true, 2. requiring zero thought (e.g. This will not go away. E- Enjoying. Do you know the meaning of the weekend? Me: Nope. It avoids (in their mind) making the person feel pressured to commit if they dont actually want to. My MIL does thatshe asks DH if we can come to dinner, and he says, Ill have to ask Toots. Then she calls me and asks me, and I say, I have to ask DH. Really early on, she did this, and then laughed at my answer and said, I asked him, and he said he had to ask you. Must say I kinda love your kids response. This reminds me of a post the Captain did on Freeing Yourself from Constant Contact with people calling all the time. In every group Ive been in it is socially acceptable and expected that you can say youre busy for whatever reason you want. Id like to do a bit better with my own kids. A little of this, a little of that. You would think, right? Tell her that you're there for her to make her laugh, if she needs some company. Feeding a giraffe. Or why do I feel entitled to her presence and her company? Message Example #6: ( Note: A long message like this example is a better fit for dating sites like Match, OkCupid or POF. I find that are you doing anything interesting this weekend? can come across as less pressuring than what are you doing this weekend? Not only does it focus the question onto peoples hobbies/interests, but the answer no, not really doesnt automatically mean that someone is free. N- New adventure. OMG yes! Im one of those foreigners who are mystified with the use of How are you? in the US. Oh, such discerning eyes. Question. They are called Saturday and Sunday." - Anonymous 3. Shes moving and needs a van? If ever there was a moment for the standard Wow script, this surely would be it. Teaching my fish how to swim. Thats thats exactly what makes it a microagression. Them no problem, I hope things are going well for you. Things have a funny way of working out. Ive seen too many nightmare scenarios of late, in the wake of the Aziz Ansari mess, that start out exactly like you are describing. Yes! Oh you want to invite me to happy hour [with a bunch of colleagues I hate when theyre sober let alone when theyre drunk]? So in the next day or two, perhaps on some morning when you leave your house and shes there waiting for you, you tell her, firmly but cheerily with giant beaming smiles that the morning walks will be separate from now on because those are for you to have conversation with your children. Any event. Can't complainI have tried, but no one listens. On Thursday or Friday, its got any plans for the weekend? and on Monday, its do anything fun this weekend? I dont think theyre trying to find it my deep personal secrets, its on the same level as hows it going? or wow, traffic was awful this morning, huh? and I answer at that same level (oh, this and that, how bout you?). 1) Let the weekend memes begin! (via Shutterstock) 7. Born and raised in the US, and I also think this is a weird question not to answer literally. I tell her every chance I get that Im grateful for all the emotional labor she does with categorizing her friend groups. And the balls in their court if they were actually trying to set up something fun. Rob: Hey Jan. Good, thanks, you? I dont think she feels disliked; theres really not a lot of conflict for us. "Thanks, it was a chance to relax and I am grateful for that.". I also think that most of the people I hang out with get this, and with the exception of more formal plans, would agree. Neighbor! Sorry friends, but bears, Zombies, whateverwe're gonna have to leave you behind. Maybe you can Google it. I guess the conclusion is, ask more directly up front, and if I know someone has a hard time saying no, make sure I explicitly say, its okay to say no, or something similar. Notice how it starts off with a light compliment. I understand commenters who dont see this question as anything more than polite small talk. because sometimes we have plans that cant change. Here's the most obvious answer that no one can argue with. I usually respond Why do you need to know? unless its someone I really trust. So if someone said What are you doing next Thursday? I imagine they said Would you like to do something on Thursday? 04 Mar 2023 17:27:26 Which brings me right back to not understanding why parents do this to themselves and their children. Like if I can magically guess the exact time theyre free and what they want to do with literally no input from them I guess I win hanging out with someone who wasnt that enthusiastic with the suggestion that we make plans? But Im willing to bet that LW knows that, and the reason he/she feels annoyed with the people asking it in his/her life are because theres a pattern and something bigger at work like maybe people trying to get him/her to do stuff, or, as he/she noted, people who want to hang out, but with him/her doing all the planning work. I might not feel quite as entitled to her time, but Id probably still think there were some things I could ask of her that shed be wrong to refuse. If I had a tail, I would wag it! Take care of your boundaries! After some reflection, my normal version of this (me asking) is You free this weekend? Okay, there is something a bit screwy with this guy. *I have some sympathy for her, in that Ive seen how this is gendered in our culture, of women being trained not to ask for what they want/need (possibly more than in western cultures? Especially as its usually done over text, which (to me) precludes the idea of it being small talk. See also: people who wont pick a restaurant, when the answer to every question is whatever you want.***. (This one will definitely keep them guessing.) It never occurred to me to take this question literally. Flip the question back on them. I think theres some ask culture vs. guess culture stuff in here too? Im super introverted and have medium to high levels of anxiety, depending on the situation. Plus, young women and girls arent stupid they know that most people will view them as being at the absolute bottom of the dominance pecking order and will resent it if they dont answer questions put to them. Going back to work? Its a little more inconvenient to go to a different branch, but I do that sometimes, or mobile banking or attempt to time it so that I end up with another teller. Do you have time to talk?" "What Are You Up To?" Can Be a Way to Ask "Are You Busy?" Here's another example: Jana: Hi Rob, how are you? (Like, Im the kind of introvert who is good with people but I know a few who are just exhausting and who drain my battery super quickly), Could you have a conversation with her about, Were gonna have to schedule when all of our kids are walking to school. "Hope you are doing well" is actually a pretty common opening line when people write emails. I also use ooh, Im not sure whether Im driving my stepson to his Dads that weekend, Ill have to check for longer-term put-offs. (this one may not be my wheelhouse anyway, no translation needed. I shall think on why. She asked me if we were doing anything on a certain day and I was like I cant think of what it is right now but we are definitely doing something that day. She then mentioned a big thing that was on in town this week and yes, that was in fact the thing that we were going to, so I was like Yes! Everyone else usually stops after the how-are-yous are exchanged. Many of your comments in this thread have, in fact. I just had a talk with my DD about this- she will text me do we have plans Saturday I usually respond with Why? Obviously we have a different relationship than a friend to friend thing. You? and see if he gets stuck in a loop. How odd to be on both sides of this! The genered expectations in our family are much more of the women do the planning variety which can get super annoying when wed like to just go along for the ride every once in a while. There have been days when I could be found dancing on the couch and all over the house with this and Bad Reputation on a playback loop, both middle fingers proudly in the air. Lots of commenters here are noting that people ask about weekend plans as small talk. My go-to script for these (which I HATE) is an equally noncommittal, Why, whats up? Im not saying I do or dont have plans, but Im going to figure out why theyre asking me the question. Thank you! Its either a soft opening for an invite or a general small talk questionand in both cases, Oh, not sure yet, how about you? is going to be one thousand percent fine. No Response. Theres always some kind of obligation, because theyre my parents and I love them and I want to honor what theyve done for me in giving me a great life. So, it's important to read the situation and know how well the person asking you out will respond to a little joke. Probably just working on some homework. He said, Oh yeah? and just went on, no indication that he was asking for any reason other than general curiosity. Fill in the gaps using the correct form of Future Simple Tense. If I have to treat her like a grownup, and not like my minor child that I can boss around, she can fucking treat ME like a grownup, and not like her mommy that she takes for granted. A lot of the people old enough to have adult children at this point still put phone communication on some kind of pinnacle in their minds, because thats what they grew up with. My mom recently moved from but why? to Ok, I guess you dont love me which is actually a sign things are going my way because its not a direct question. For example, if there were a certain number of hours per week or month that she needs to work at certain things you set, Im not seeing a problem. But *I* am entitled to enact some of that fallout myselfits not all about her, shes not the only one who gets to be offended and feel pushed around, etc. Similar boundary setting but this is a different angle. But its all about context, and thats not the context the LW is talking about. She didnt have other plans; she just wanted to draw a line in the sand about him telling her what to do. Yeah if I like the person and might be into it I usually friend-flirt with a depends on why!. It's healthy and doesn't cost a penny. What I usually say is, Not bad, not bad, how bout yourself?.