Let this be a learning lesson for everyone male and female. lets_be_honest I dont think you are right to try to make him stay with her. Your bf cant stop her from having the baby. She cant afford a child on her own. I feel stupid once again and a part of me feels that he may come back to me again and I really dont want to be involved, but Im so weak and dont know how to let go. The key if you do decide to engage- keep it as civil and reasoned as possible. He didnt give you another child. We got back together but he dragged her along through texts for a week until I found out. Example: Couple agrees to the set-up evanscr05s friend did. Copyright 2023 Dear Wendy. He ought to get a vesectomy since this guy is obviously carrying the manchild gene. hi there! It's believed to be ineffective because for years people thought there were sperm cells in pre-cum, but that's a myth. she doesnt have to be unlucky or a liar to be taking her pills incorrectly. Why he is scum but a woman who opts for an abortion or adoption isnt its beyond me. If you are sure to always love, support, and listen to your child, he/she will be just fine! I think both sexes can own that one (although your estimate of what % of children born today are born to single patents is inaccurate). My ex and I broke up for the first time a year ago. He didnt expect that to happen. 1. I just personally get outraged that this is the case: that he would have to pay support regardless, but that she can opt out of it. One does not need to hate women to find inherent unfairness in current laws. Is that fair to women? Im arguing that he should be able to get out of the responsibility in the same way that a woman can get out of that responsibility. April 10, 2012, 12:45 pm. April 9, 2012, 6:41 pm, bittergaymark April 10, 2012, 6:08 pm. Pay[ing] for it is responsible, even if its not what the mother of the child, or potentially the child, may initially want. So, ask yourself why do you allow it? OH MY GOD!! We've joined the BHM Digital family of websites and have updated our Terms of Service and Privacy Policy. Im just trying to clarify the parameters here. Thats why in rear-end situations, the second driver is liable, right? I think your anger is severely displaced and I think I know why if you evaluate the situation without being blinded by your inability to live without this guy, you would see that his true character is shining through and its probably not someone you really want to be with. And the fact is, biology dictates that women have control once a pregnancy has occurred- not just the legal system. However, if a woman has sex with a man, she can make all the choices and decisions, force palimony, and essentially treat that man as their financial slave for the next 18 years. Get your hands off my uterus! LW, your anger is misdirected. I totally understand. So, again, why are you crying and being depressed over him? CollegeCat Ive heard of stuff like this from friends of mine, where theyve been in relationships and their BF finds out his ex got pregnant and blah blah blah so take it as you will, I guess. Is this Twilight, for Gods sake? Now hes going to have to deal with it, even if he wants nothing to do with the childhis wallet will. And not because he deserved it for having possibly unprotected sex. As well, the LW has no right to call this other woman names, purely because it was the LWs (ex? Why is it that she gets to have his child and not you? Its now you, the man, the other lady and a baby involved in this situation and as far as I can see thats too much people involved already. Not in the 50s or 60s and maybe not as late as the 80s but today the father gets joint custody. BTW, has he heard about condoms?? April 10, 2012, 7:35 pm. It takes two to make a baby, and it doesnt seem like he was taking any precautions. Wrap it up or dont have sex, thats the only choice YOU have.. April 10, 2012, 6:58 pm. If you were driving your car, and looked down at the time, and hit the child would you ask the parents of that child to not report you to the police, because its also there fault for letting there child run in to the street? sorry, brain). nurserie cerise et capucine we broke up and he got another girl pregnant.If your ex got married only months after the breakup, then something doesn't feel right.In most cases with my clients, the girl is wanting the guy . April 9, 2012, 3:01 pm, Well, I have to just give the opposite side of this that 1. at least he plans to financially provide for the child and 2. if someone is so adament about not wanting children as he seems to be, then all are probably better off giving the child to the mother only which is a hell of a lot like adoption. But there is a happy ending to this story. I told him to stay with her and have this family as I dont want to be any cause for them breaking up, but he told me there was no way he was staying with her because he cant stand her. But really, no one knows his true reaction. In the state I live in, you can leave a baby (or even child I think) in a church or hospital if you do not want the child and you will not get in any trouble for it. No, a responsible father who is involved in the childs life will get joint custody. He slept with his ex-fiancee once, and now she's pregnant. Who knew? I just found out 4 days ago that my ex got a girl pregnant. I highly doubt thats what shes doing considering shes only known him for two minutes., SweetsAndBeats Steve Kellmeyer Id confirm that shes actually pregnant 4. stop stressing so much.many children are born under worse circumstances the guy and his ex its their problem to solve not yours. He knew it but was willing to take that risk just like any man does when they engage in sex with a woman. Reading your letter, you sound really immature and not ready to be kn a relationship with a man that has a child. If you support legal abortion, then you emphatically deny that men create children. So of course the events are filtered through that lens. Really? Aim for the face. I have zero sympathy for for any guy crying about how hes stuck paying for a child he doesnt want. This is a process and it's got a lot of risks. Ive stayed away from this question because I honestly dont think I have a very well informed opinion on the matter. All I can say is therapy. He wants nothing to do with her OR the baby? When I was young, but old enough to ask, my mom always told me that my biological father just wasnt ready to be a daddy. im not disagreeing with you. It;s an even bigger dickish move, dare I say cuntish move to fucking LIE about being on the pill to get knocked up Or maybe shes just a fucking idiot and cant figure out how to follow the directions on a prescription bottle. Im questioning the inherent fairness of the law today. Couples break up for many reasons. I wish it's that easy. I think hes an asshole for sleeping with a woman he cant stand without using a condom. But you were split up for 2 months and cant bear to live without each other yet he didnt waste any time jumping into bed with someone he barely knows? I didnt mean to imply it wasnt true, it just unfortunately isnt enforceable. Seriously this is skeeving me out. She provided the other half of the set, the construction site, the construction materials, she built the child. You are the one who is keeping this rollercoaster of a relationship going with him. Now pay for the childs necessities in life. If hes such an awful scumbag, why would you want to force him to be a father. Problem. And a grown adult man is well aware of this system when he chooses to have sex. April 9, 2012, 1:57 pm. This was even more of a scandal in a small town in the 70s than it would have been today, but she decided to keep the baby. I know you may not have that much faith in women based on your comments (here and on previous posts) but just look at what the women on this page have written. So for someone I love and care deeply about, its enjoyable. April 9, 2012, 12:39 pm. You have the proof he banged her and now they have a child together. So, in other words, RR, it is a noble thing to give your child to strangers in the hope that he or she is treated well (that the adoptive parents wont abuse them, wont get divorced in a messy way, wont let them fend for themselves, and so on), even though youll have no interaction with that child again, but it is base and vile to have the same lack of interaction but to provide financial support which doesnt in any way affect the mothers ability to find a partner that is right for her. Sorry to be so long-winded but it happens sometimes. He cant try and opt out of the rules that he knew he was playing by when he had sex with this woman. Now that that lesson is over do you have any other questions? Youre only asking for heartache down the road. If the woman in question is also 40, I highly doubt her birth control failed. 1 mth after we got together, he cheated and got a girl pregnant. Its no excuse but no one will every be able to explain men. April 9, 2012, 6:25 pm, Jesus fucking christ! If a guy wants absolutely to avoid becoming a father, he is responsible for using additional BC or not having sex with women if he doesnt know what their stance on unintended pregnancy would be. April 9, 2012, 6:16 pm. And now that theres a pregnancy and the options arent his hes furious at the woman he impregnated because it isnt going the way he wants. If she did not use protection with him, or ask him to get tested when they got back together, that is no fault of his, imo. Blowjobs are a practice in breath holding and gag reflex control, and my jaw ends up hurting pretty badly if I do it for long enough. Its interesting how none of these comments address that he SPECIFICALLY said that he would have nothing to do with his own child. ColorsOfTheWind makes excellent points, and I agree; however, Id quibble with the phrase grown-up problems. He might very well be an immature asshole. April 10, 2012, 7:06 pm. Being on the Pill is akin to saying that youre not interested in having children, so I think its not completely invalid for him to assume she wasnt ready to have children, and to be angry when he ends up being forced into fatherhood. Are you kidding? but he wants me and wants to marry me as he said all along April 9, 2012, 2:54 pm. What sounded nice in theory is not sounding so great to Jimmy in reality. I just feel that they are, at times, the least bad solution. The carpenter asks his brother to impregnate his wife via IVF using the carpenters sperm. personally i think this is a confusing, gray area that Im not sure I know the answer to. Part of the agreement was they he was to never have any contact with the child. Scenario 2. If the woman wants to abort, then she can, but thats a decision she has to make because its happening inside her own body. Whats your lawyers address? And the case for this man gets more and more ridiculous. If they dont want to be taken, then they should think before they poke. Hes so full of sh*t, I bet his eyes are brown. I hate a society that even makes this an issue. Babies are malarky. April 9, 2012, 5:48 pm. April 9, 2012, 6:54 pm. It takes two to make a baby. Well, maybe not your life, but your happiness and security do depend on it. John Rohan A guy does have every right to tell her look, Im not ready to do this. And you want to marry this guy because.why? Of course we have a right to an opinion, even if our opinion is that dirty sluts shouldnt breed. Twitter Debates 16-Year Age Gap Between Jaylen Brown & Mouthwatering Meemaw Bernice Burgos, Barbie Gyal Nicki Minaj Returns From Hiatus And Sets Di Road Ablaze At Trinidad Carnival 2023, Rain Pon Meeee: Ashanti Reminds Everyone How Feathered And FINE She Was At Trinidad Carnival 2019, Chaka Khan Shows No Mercy Blasting Mary J. Blige, Mariah Carey & Other Names On Rolling Stone's 'Greatest Singers' List, Funniest (And Pettiest) Tweets From NBA All-Star Weekend 2023. You mean, he should decide whether or not he leaves a kid constantly yearning for attention theyll never get? However, sure, something unexpected and life-altering happened to him, and hes upset, so surely hes an idiot. And finally we see what youre doing ranting about paternity laws and mens rights on a relationship advice site. My mother taught me better than that. Merely that it is an immense expense for the man for a situation that he didnt want a situation which, as I said, the woman is never forced to endure. Here are the 5 signs that he/she is in one: They started the relationship before they ended it (or as they were ending it) with you.. Im guessing that shes in the UK or Ireland, or perhaps New England. Reviewing this the next day, Im even less convinced that the letter is real Id be happy for signs otherwise but assuming it is, thats good advice. so its a little early to judge. Im guessing thats where most of us got the idea that he was trying to push it on her. SpaceySteph We have been able to shield the kids from this at this point. For sure, the guy can't worry about the other gent. He was instrumental in the whole zygote creating you know that thing that turned into a baby Whats that? A mans legal obligation to support his children is not some well hidden secret and nowhere is it mentioned that hes being asked for anything more. Bless her heart. He willingly engaged in sex (apparently without a condom) with a woman he knew for two minutes. If a woman wanted to choose to terminate the child, would she be less of a real woman for not stepping up to the responsibility? Even if shes annoying, shes more than a hole for him to stick it in, and it would bother me to know my BF had just used another human being as a glorified masturbatory aid. You bolster my case by agreeing that he can share responsibility with the mother or simply provide support but he does not have the option to opt out entirely, which is something the pregnant woman can do. . But even though I led you to think I didnt want to become pregnant, Im going to keep the baby and thereby obligate you to two decades of child support, is, while totally within her rights, still a massive breach of the pre-coital understanding, express and implied, between the parties. April 9, 2012, 5:13 pm. But I almost laughed out loud when I read untrappable. April 10, 2012, 7:15 pm. bittergaymark And if you arent ready for a child, then use a goddamn condom.. 2.6K views, 5 likes, 0 loves, 0 comments, 44 shares, Facebook Watch Videos from Wildheart: **Miracle Baby Or Mistaken Baby- Man Denies Having Baby With Wife (Full Episode) - Paternity Court **. The point is, theres a baby on the way who needs a daddy. You may not agree with it, but the laws are such that he is obligated to raise the possible resulting child and/or pay for that child for a couple of decades, if she decides not to terminate the pregnancy. April 9, 2012, 7:09 pm. I dont think the actual equality is as you think it is, but even if I agree that it is, it has nothing to do with what happens early on in a pregnancy. We only have sex if were ready to be a father? Im not saying it doesnt happen, but I find it hard to believe that people who dont take care dont get pregnant and every unwanted pregnancy is always the product of birth control failure. Let him go. She still doesnt get it, but we tried. That is the point when an intelligent person makes their decision. But for someone more causal, that isnt really there as much. Your ilk will perish from a lack of procreation. Again, no. & he tells me now, the mother agreed to take the child & look after the child, & he will leave the baby mama for me, because he loves me. The timing was exactly right. Third, I weep for that child. Privacy Policy. That pretty much sums it up for me. Great, yet another fine example of the sheer brilliance and intellect of more and more heterosexuals in this case, the male whom increasingly seem to have all the knowledge and intellect as to where babies come from as, say, your average comatose five year old. Fyrebyrd2 Interesting! Reframed to show the low quality of the comparison: Would you like an abortion? = Would you like fries with that? > OK! female April 10, 2012, 6:56 pm. That makes her a scumbag, but it really doesnt absolve you of being the parent for that child. So your boyfriend said he wants nothing to do with his own child (except the required child support) and that didnt make you run screaming the other way? is significantly higher than the risk of contracting HIV, which is actually not all that contagious. Whats your personal experience with forced fatherhood, no say over an abortion or crippling child support? AndreaMarie Anytime you have sex, theres a chance you could get pregnant, no matter how careful you are. Life isnt fair. April 10, 2012, 8:46 am, he does not have the option to opt out entirely. Welp, he didnt run after you, and instead he ran to another woman for comfort and now she is pregnant. What a joke. He cant be irresponsible and fail to take every reasonable effort to avoid pregnancy (doubling up on BC and using condoms, getting a vasectomy, or only having sex with women he knows beyond a shadow of a doubt also do not want to bring children into the world), and then act surprised and angry when it happens anyways. I dont know whats causing all this rancor, RR, but its surely not just the letter. Not me. I just picture this LW with only tiny chunks of her brain left rattling around in her head as she sputters out this completely illogical rubbish (malarky). Im waiting for the moral and mental gymnastics that say its OK to force a man to spend 18 years paying to provide a good life for the result of his error in judgement, but its not OK to force a woman to spend nine months working to simply give life to the result of her error in judgement. He should have taken more precautions. Its just that all the other concepts that get us to the point of support arent gender blind yet. Its not anyones fault, theres no one to blame. LW says they were separated for two months. Its just biological fact- unfair probably, but not something we can change. Youre expecting women to put the penis of some guy theyve known for two minutes in their mouth?!?!?!?! You shouldnt be following so closely behind someone that if they were to suddenly slam on their brakes you wouldnt be able to stop (for a billboard, for a kid running across the street, because theyre being dicks, ect). Having read some of the (ahem) well-reasoned responses to my post (and your response), I realize the interwebs are probably not the best place to argue the merits of paternity law. He says he cant stand her? Maybe because she wants something to love. April 9, 2012, 10:01 am. All it is is having someone served w papers requiring them by law to have a q tip swab their mouth. (and I hate that C-word.but LW, you deserve it). It sounds glib, and I mean, malarky? This gets to the basic conflict. Which brings me to my question for LW: You say your boyfriend is 40 years old, but how old are YOU? April 10, 2012, 7:01 pm. What exactly would your perfect laws look like in regard to custody and child support anyway? So, you go back to where you started, and then he hits you with another bombshell. And as far as I can tell, it happens an awful lot. "The best way to move through a breakup while pregnant is to let the feelings flow," says McDermott. April 9, 2012, 7:31 pm, It is interesting that I have never met anybody with HIV who just magically got that way Instead, they have all been very upfront and honest about their mistakes I was careless Meaning they dont claim have been wearing a condom when they werent. And yet men still keep having sex with us. lets_be_honest He hadnt. Hey, say what you want about the letter but dont diss my Twilight!!! If your girlfriend complains that you never take . He said this is not gonna ruin us, but Im unsure. He said he would do whatever i wanted him to. He CHOSE to do that he took that risk because it feels better on his penis without a condom. Now I'm happily married and live in Orlando. I know of a jumpmaster who lost his nose and ears for being too bold doing the one-minute door check in severe cold weather. Is anyone else eagerly anticipating the update to this one? Doesnt matter if it has a sign on it that says dont shake takes arms off if explodes!. He doesnt have to have a romantic relatioship with her, but if she keeps the baby, and IF he is a real man, then this woman will be in his life for the rest of his, as the child is her child as well as his. That is not her fault. But the issue is when he decided not to pull out but bust a load into a strangerhe took on that risk of possibily having the responsibility to pay for a kid for the next 18 years. It may be more than a coincidence that your girlfriend or wife announced she was pregnant right after you broke up with her. Because, you dont know the other person you dont if they remember to take their pill on time, if they forget pills for days at a time, if they are taking antibiotics, or if youre just one of the unlucky small small percentage that gets pregnant while taking the pill. SweetsAndBeats Lucky us. Ummm sorry your comparison is ridiculous because in that case its 100% the fault of the person eating at the restaurant. It doesnt matter whether he wants to be with this woman or not, your boyfriend made half of this baby and has an obligation to be a father figure to it. I cant believe the absurdity of some of these arguments. There is no such assumption in this case- its more like handing the baby off to some nice-looking person he met in the grocery store and hoping for the best. That my life revolves around this so called love of mine?? I attempt to avoid name calling, but youre not very smart. August 24, 2019, 2:54 pm. Why should she abort the baby I mean come on. Already Tired of the Baby Malarky. April 9, 2012, 11:41 am. Which keeps me pretty busy, and Im married to my daughters mother. Dude, thats seriously out of line. Or you think that landygirl does that? April 10, 2012, 11:43 am. Therefore, when having sex with a woman, you must assume that she could get pregnant and could keep it even though you dont want it; or on the flip side, abort it even though you dont want her to. Im late to this, but WHAT THE FUCK. Regardless of whether or not he wants to stay with this women he impregnanted, do NOT stay with him yourself! Chuck(le) And hopefully people begin to realize that just taking the pill isnt an absolute gurantee that you wont make a baby. The next day I text her that we can give it another chance, but she insisted she was not feeling the same . He didnt expose her to STDs. Is it 100% fair to men or women? And my opinion doesnt change whether youre prepared to have a kid. The LW clearly believes that this is the case, and an objective reading of the circumstances she describes suggests that its a legitimate consideration. April 9, 2012, 9:23 pm. So the fact that none of your good friends have HIV (which is good to hear) doesnt necessarily mean that they are more capable of using a condom than the heterosexuals you know. Im quite late to the discussion, but I took a lot of time reading over the comments, trying to make sense of the two sides of the argument at hand. Perhaps youd like to refute them instead of going the easy route and calling him a troll simply because he disagrees with you. he said this is not gonna ruin us, ReginaRey Nevertheless, if you choose to sleep with a guy that you are not in a relationship with or have only known for two months, without doubling up on the protection, and get pregnant and decide to keep the babyThen I think you should be aware that a situation like this may happen. He is going to focus his energy and time with his baby momma, his relationship with her, and making sure his child is born. Be a grownup, decide if this relationship is worth the less perfect, more dramatic parts, and act accordingly. April 9, 2012, 12:17 pm. Fyrebyrd2 If you and a person you want to sleep with are not on the same page on what should happen in case of accidental pregnancy, dont have sex with them. April 9, 2012, 10:46 am, Im not even sure how to address this letter, so I guess step by step is a good way to go. He still has to pay. But if its not, ITA with Amanda, LW. On a side note: If the adoption had not occured and she went after him for support, he could contest it by stating that it would be detrimental to the child as he has no fatherly relationship with the child and introducing such a relationship so many years later would be harmful. Weeks. Step away slowly. I just feel sorry for the pregnant girl. Im pretty surprised by some of the stances shes made on this thread and I do enjoy and almost always agree with her comments. Rachelgrace53 Im NOT saying she should abort, just that shes an idiot & she shouldnt expect a one-night stander to suddenly be a father. Your statement that she would not allow him to see his kids indicate that he has more than one child. When you give your child up for adoption, you are giving him or her to people who really want a child and are prepared financially and emotionally to give that child support. female He can bang the neighbor, the lunch lady, and his friendly neighborhood bartenderwhoever. The entire point of my post(s) is that the paternity laws in this country (which is a central consideration of the letter and the story) are out of whack and unbalanced to the point of being unfairly punitive to men. I know you have to keep the possibility in the back of your mind, but youve really been ready and willing for motherhood every time youve decided to sleep with someone? I dont feel like his decision to not be involved in his biological childs life makes him an immature asshole. Rather than holding him responsible, you have focused on the other women. I knew, but loved him so much, forgave him & said wed give each other some space, but when I gave that space, he just went on ahead & made this lady pregnant. Especially the children. Surely you know that So if you want to hate women for having child support, why dont you hate the men who skipped town. She came first. Its not the situation, but the way its written. You can have a spirited and logical debate, and still keep it interesting and above board. Have you ever seen an episode of the Maury show or any other talk drama show? SpaceySteph That goes for women as well. No matter how many precautions you take, if a pregnancy occurs you have to accept that its because of what you did and accept full responsibility for your actions. Not to mention raising the baby, which women are way way WAAAYYY more likely to do alone than men. But biology runs the show and grown adults know the game going in. That is really fucked up. And I do commend him for providing financial support. Otherwise were looking at an extremely improbable event which the woman in question was able to predict with uncanny accuracy. Nope, not at all, she just goes on living life unchanged.